In Buddhism, there are practical teachings to help people investigate the habits of mind that prevent us from seeing reality as it is. Hindrances is the word used to describe what prevents us from seeing clearly. We all have hindrances, and there is no shame in that. They are not a personal failing, but when we fail to investigate them, they become a problem.
Buddhism sees every stage of life as an opportunity to explore suffering and grow. Aging is a natural process, and when we practice it well, it is an opportunity to gain wisdom. But wisdom requires reflecting upon our changing capacities and preferences as we age.
Because we as a culture generally don't appreciate the gifts and strengths of all people, we might be terrified of aging because we fear we will become less relevant or valued. People who experience invisibility as they age have an opportunity to understand what it is like in a culture of ableism where people with disabilities struggle for deserved accommodations so that they can offer and express their gifts.
Wisdom traditions and cultures value their elders for important reasons. In a culture where standing out or above is highly valued, what is underappreciated are critical supportive and mentoring roles that a lifetime of experience brings to our communities.
A happy version of aging well is acknowledging our changing capacities and preferences to better appreciate everyone's gifts rather than clinging to a need to be perceived as we were when we were younger.
I'm not arguing that as we age, we should be put out to pasture or that we don't benefit from a lifestyle that keeps us youthful. On the contrary, we benefit from and need everyone's participation, and self-care is an essential part of living well. But for some people, priorities change with age. Also, there is the reality of diminished capacity at some point in all the lives of those fortunate to live long.
The national conversation around aging, especially concerning our national politics, has generally been limited to decline rather than the full range of changes. It is not uncommon to have diminishing memory in old age. However, aging also offers some benefits, including cognitive ones. With wisdom comes emotional intelligence and capacity for broader perspective-taking. Wisdom leads to less reactive decisions.
The personal growth that can come with aging requires us to be clear-seeing and recognize the changes to which we must adjust. Sometimes, though, accommodating is not the solution, and what is needed is to allow others to step in and up to leadership positions. This process is a letting go that creates loss, real or imagined. But if we age with grace, the benefits include greater psychic and spiritual freedom.
For wisdom, we must understand what the situation requires and whether that is something we can do or want to do. When we see clearly, there is both loss and new opportunity. The natural aging process is a deterioration of the senses and the body. We can improve with age but must accept changes that represent a decline in functioning.
Buddhism teaches that respecting aging at every point in life is the greatest kindness we can show ourselves and our loved ones. Living in life's later seasons is both a test and a gift. To receive the gift, are we willing to let go of our need to be recognized by those whose definition of worth is narrow? By caring less about how others define us, we can surround ourselves with people who appreciate our authenticity.
Being clear-seeing about the seasons of our lives involves holding lightly to identities that we may have held for much of our lives. Here is the path to liberation for us all: to hold lightly to the notions of the self that we create.
Young people also suffer from narrow definitions of worth, even if they are better suited to fulfill some of the demands of our hyper-productive culture. A great way to age well is to start young and practice directing our talents and skills in a way that fulfills us personally. To live freely, we must be willing at all ages to let go of some of the perks of being productive or valued as defined by others.
Practicing kindness toward others who are aging sometimes means compassionately speaking truth to their denial of aging processes. It is natural to need time to catch up with the facts on the ground, which is true well before we must give up the car keys. Who of us over 50 hasn't looked in the mirror and thought, “When the hell did that happen?” even though the change we see didn't occur overnight?
In his famous poem, “Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night,” Dylan Thomas encourages us (or men) to rage against the dying of the light. He believes in fighting rather than succumbing to death (though he acknowledges its inevitability). This poem is also a metaphor for an approach to aging. Yet raging against change is not the best path to a well-lived life. Wisdom asks that we live fully with the conditions as they exist. We can push our limits while also accepting them; the two stances are not mutually exclusive.
In our communities, we can personally train our perceptions to appreciate everyone's gifts. When we do, we age better regardless of how many rotations around the sun we have accumulated.
Here is a beautiful poem on aging by someone who lived fully in all her seasons.
On Aging By Maya Angelou When you see me sitting quietly, Like a sack left on the shelf, Don’t think I need your chattering. I’m listening to myself. Hold! Stop! Don’t pity me! Hold! Stop your sympathy! Understanding if you got it, Otherwise I’ll do without it! When my bones are stiff and aching, And my feet won’t climb the stair, I will only ask one favor: Don’t bring me no rocking chair. When you see me walking, stumbling, Don’t study and get it wrong. ‘Cause tired don’t mean lazy And every goodbye ain’t gone. I’m the same person I was back then, A little less hair, a little less chin, A lot less lungs and much less wind. But ain’t I lucky I can still breathe in.